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Finding happiness is becoming free from emotions that hinder us
 Finding happiness comes when you stumble across it without really looking. Happiness can be found in the ordinariness of every day but whatever you do, don’t be looking for it. In fact better words than finding happiness might be developing resilience, which would be the capacity to find emotional equilibrium quickly after the sharpest shock - or attaining balance – of work/life, of future/past and success/failure. Rudyard Kipling had the idea More help and ideas - the tools you will need and the help that is there. If by Rudyard Kipling If you can keep your head when all about you
are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!” If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And which is more, you’ll be a Man, my son!
| Three steps to Happiness/Resilience/Balance This is my take and understanding of finding Happiness – having lived a life, long been interested in the subject of self development and having learnt a little bit of what works – for me and my clients. There is not much that is original (and I freely provide sources) but it is free of scientific/academic straitjackets and there are no models to defend. So enjoy and find something of value.
- Getting to first base
- Clearing out
- Travelling there
As Jonathan Haidlt says and as has been implicit is so much on this site, there is a Low Road - where crude limbic system emotion dominate and a High Road -where emotions are moderated by the advanced brain or Neo-Cortex. Getting to first base is about discovering the existence of the High Road and how to find it. Clearing out is finding the high road increasingly easy to find and indeed becoming quite familiar with it. Travelling there is the journey of a life largely spent on that high road and what is experienced and discovered - is this finding happiness or just a life of self development?
Getting to first base
If you are lost in a Whirlpool of emotion and failing to get out – and so stuck in anxiety, addiction or depression then you are most definitely on the Low Road. But we have the insights and means perhaps to help you.
Go to our Self Help pages – Diagnosis, Needs, Resources and Relaxation. It’s when you reach first base – with Low road emotions more under control and living a life of reasonable balance and free from obvious anxiety, depression and addiction that you can begin the next stage of self development to finding happiness. Another way to see it is that more and more you are accessing your Observing self.
Clearing Out
What you need to learn about yourself 
- You are on a journey and there is no destination - where happiness has been found.
- It’s about being comfortable in your own skin – being able to tell yourself the story of your life and see progression through its successes and failures, triumphs and humiliations, joys and trauma.
- And that the doing is the thing, not the having – that security lies being happier with less and less.
More help and ideas - the tools you will need and the help that is there. Learning to be Present The journey is about spending more of it being present.
The quality of presence evolves – from low road addictive, depression and anxiety trance states.....to lower arousal levels and so being more in your observing self....to experiencing trance like states of flow. As you move onto the High road you will learn and experience that you are not your emotions - that you can be in your Observing Self - looking across at them. And as you are more present in an activity that stretches, fully engages you and is accomplished - that you are in a state of flow. Is this finding happiness - at least for that moment? And discovering that so much are Unconscious and automatic processes - that control far more of us than we like to believe. This has to be in order for us to function ....BUT when is it dopamine surges that do not help us AND when is it reactions and instincts that are tired .... such as - Fear responses – that move us away or back to safety. This suppression response is typically very strong and will typically overwhelm the addictive, sexual and anger responses that move us toward
- Living with dissatisfaction in order to survive - or else why would the species have done anything?
- Always judging, and either finding others or ourselves to blame. And normally it is others as we have survived by having a far too high opinion of ourselves. We are innately hypocritical
- An incredible sensitivity to reciprocity and fairness. So as Haidt suggests, learn to find fault with yourself – and take pride in taking responsibility.
Two Mulla stories – that will make increasing sense to you One evening, Mulla was scrabbling under a lamp in the street, looking intently for something. And he kept looking and looking until eventually his neighbour approached him and asked, Mulla, what he was looking for? And Mulla replied, Why my keys. Is this where you left them asked his neighbour in surprise? No replied Mulla, I left them in the courtyard, but it is here where the light is. And again, the same neighbour noticed at one time that every evening for a month or so, Mulla crept around his courtyard and house sprinkling a trail of salt. Mulla did this every evening for a month until his neighbour just could not contain himself. Mulla what are you are doing? And Mulla replied, why keeping the tigers away. But Mulla, there are no tigers in this part of the country. Exactly, exclaimed Mulla. |
- Elevation and Awe – which is something we can all feel from time to time - before beauty, love or God or even a story of compassion and sacrifice. Just today I watched a programme of the inspirational life and death of Karen Woo - a young doctor who was killed in Afghanistan. To watch this brings peace and a sense of being reborn - much more than finding happiness.
Travelling there
There is less to say here as the journey is for you and you are ready to make it. You can test yourself by looking at the box below. How easy are you finding that you can accept these? - Doing and action and stretching and accomplishment
- Relationships that connect and take you out of yourself
- And that something more - our virtues exalted.
The Five Things we cannot change . . .
and the Happiness we find by embracing them- Everything changes and ends
- Things do not always go according to plan
- Life is not always fair
- Pain is part of Life
- People are not loyal and loving all the time
David Richo |
Go to Happiness Tools from Finding Happiness
Go to Happiness Workshop
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Landline: 020 8257 0429, Mobile/text: 07870 104651, Skype name: famrichhg
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My weekly Feelbetter Newsletter
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Building Self Confidence
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Post-Natal Depression
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Melissa E. Stefanski has real help for beginning to
Meditate and be mindful. Rachel Green is also well worth looking at - to help you begin to meditate
Meditation for those who think they cannot
Some of my sources and inspirationsEckhart Tolle - The Power of Now - explains and inspires that to be present is the heart of all happiness practice. Tolle is now very big and even has a TV station. Notwithstanding his insights are profound. Click here Victor Frankel - Man’s Search for Meaning Click here Thich Nhat Han is a Vietnamese monk who has written extensively and for many years on Mindfulness. Click here Ronald Siegal The Mindfulness Solution. Siegal is a academic psychologist who has made all this respectable and acceptable. He does though write well. Click here A good mindfulness site Click here Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania has cornered the market in Happiness – by being scientific and therefore respectable.
The VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire is worth doing. Click here - BUT I would not get bogged down in the other surveys.
Jonathan Haidt – The Happiness hypothesis has been a main inspiration for me and I use his work extensively. Click here How to meditate Click here Modern Buddhism Click here
The Five Things we cannot change- Everything changes and ends
- Things do not always go according to plan
- Life is not always fair
- Pain is part of Life
- People are not loyal and loving all the time
David Richo |
Five Steps to Happiness- Connect
Developing relationships with family, friends, colleagues and neighbours will enrich you- Be Active
Sports, hobbies, such as gardening or dancing or just a daily stroll will make you feel good.- Be Curious
Noting the beauty of everyday moments as well as the unusual and reflecting on them helps you to appreciate what matters to you- Learn
Fixing a bike, learning an instrument, cooking – the challenge and satisfaction brings fun and confidence- Give
Helping friends and strangers links your happiness to a wider community and is very rewarding
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HAPPINESS MANIFESTO
Do these for two months and see the difference they make!- Get Physical
Exercise for half an hour three times a week. - Count your blessings
At the end of each day reflect on at least five things you are grateful for. - Talk time
Have an hour long uninterrupted conversation with your partner or closest friend each week. - Plant something
Even if it’s a window box or pot plant. Keep it alive! - Cut your TV viewing by half
- Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger
At least once each day.- Phone a friend
Make contact with at least one friend or relation you have not been in contactfor a while and arrange to meet up. - Have a good laugh at least once a day
- Every day make sure you give yourself a treat(and do something different)
Take time to really enjoy this.- Daily kindness
Do an extra good turn for someone each day.
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Even fish can only drink so much of the sea.
Sufi wisdom quoted by Indries Shah |
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