Paul's light bulb moment
Friday was a kind of light bulb moment. I think your statement that the alcohol
is a red herring is really true. I feel like I've recognised the pattern that
now I see it is absolutely obvious. I've used over work from school to university
to my career as a way of:
- Overcoming anxiety, about not
succeeding, the feeling that I need to do much more work than anyone else to
get the same results, overworking makes the anxiety disappear.
- Getting a pay off/buzz feeling
cleverer or more successful than others because inevitably if you overwork to
such an extent that you neglect other areas of your life, you are bound to be
successful at the area you're focusing on. If you spend four times the amount
of time revising than the average kid you're going to do better. The same would
be true if you've spent four hours a day throwing darts at a double 20 on the
dartboard -- you'd end up better than an average person scoring well in darts. Is
this a molar memory? The hidden pay-off?
- Overworking becomes a legitimising
form of avoidance. It legitimises avoiding things that have really presented a
lot of fear for me in the past and in the presence -- social interaction/dating/intimate
relationships/friendships etc. I never went on any school trips, never joined
any clubs or societies -- I was too busy in the library. Workaholism then
became the giant cuckoo - if you got rid of it from the nest, what else would I
have left? It becomes terrifying to contemplate life without it - so it helps
maintain the addiction.
was probably true that I modelled a lot of my socially shy behaviour on my
parents- both of whom are only children too and pretty shy with pretty small
social circles. I definitely started using alcohol as a way of overcoming
Friday I feel like I've got a completely different attitude to socialising. I recognise a clear new pattern even if the
thought is initially scary. I know it will make me genuinely happy. I've
started filling up my social diary like never before. I've even booked tennis
lessons and looked at dating agencies. I now need to work on a way of giving or
finding some voluntary work.
Thanks for your help.
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