Sometimes, my clients write with such authority and authenticity of their experience of depression and then recovery that the best thing to do is just to read their words.
Listen to this Tenth Audio of the “Client Stories” series and you can also read the accompanying blog post.
Listen/download to my audio: Rosanna’s speaks of her suicidal depression and recovery
Read my Depression Help Blog post: Rosanna’s speaks of her suicidal depression and recovery
1: Donald’s story of depression creeping up
Audio 2: Experience of Padma and Roberta
Audio 3: Trevor’s recovery from fear of depression
Audio 4: Tricia’s depression recovery
Audio 5: Mike’s reset following retirement
Audio 6: Norman failed by the NHS
Audio 7: Barbara and Ros resetting
Audio 8: Harold’s Diagnosis
Audio 9: Freddie’s failure
Audio 10: Rosanna’s suicidal thoughts and recovery
Audio 11: Fiona’s isolation and stigma
Audio 12: Vernon and Kate – self confidence was the problem
Audio 13: Isobel on the verge of extinction
Audio 14: Rachel on the verge of extinction
I feel like I’m going mad. And fast.
Every day my brain feels as if it’s getting weaker. Six months after my initial breakdown and I fear I am on a downward spiral that can only end one way.
It’s a frightening thought. One that fills me with terror and a morbid excitement.
I feel as if my life is destined to fail. Logically, some deep, inner intelligence tells me not to be so daft – that I have reason to live, reason to hope. But that deep, inner intelligence tires quickly and submits to the contaminated lump in my brain that tells me I’m better off dead.
I can only compare it to being trapped in a burning room. Closing my eyes in an attempt to escape just puts me closer to these horrible thoughts. There’s no escape. It’s all too powerful for me to overcome and the only way I can escape is to jump. I know I’ll die if I do, but at least I won’t spend the last moments of my life in terror. I’ll have control again. Even if briefly.
The suicidal thoughts are the hardest to push away. They’re so powerful and authoritative- and worryingly…they make sense! What a fantastic option. My brain’s a mess, my brain is me, I can’t even close my eyes and escape in to another world, if I killed myself I’d have no brain. Problem solved.
I’m fucked off with everyone at the moment- especially myself. My doctor is an imbecile. She told me last week that I must be getting better as my hair looked nice. I know hair sprouts from our heads but I didn’t realise it was so directly linked to our mental health.
I arrived at my first therapy session with Andrew a teary eyed mute. I could not speak and I choked on every word. I had no idea how I was going to express to Andrew what was wrong. Luckily, I didn’t have to.
That is the beauty of Andrew’s treatment. He understands the pointlessness and the unnecessary pain caused by going over and over the thoughts that are tormenting you.
In all I had four sessions before I felt recovery. With each session I felt a gradual progress and lightening in my life. I could see other options and could see all the things I had to look forward to. Before meeting with Andrew I couldn’t imagine the future, there was nothing there, it felt like a dark void- and it frightened me so much.